The future of the abuse

Sometimes when you think you are there now, you really did not reach there yet. When you really think you can still outsmart your abuser but you cannot. Or so you believe..

My ex still comes to my life and rocks my sanity. And my few shaky seconds come alive again. This is still happening.

Even after divorce, I have to deal with the man who continues to try making my life miserable because of the dealings I have to do with him regarding my son. Every single time my old self returns and I feel helpless about what I wouldn’t do to knock sense into that loser. But this time it is regarding my son.  And every single time he starts to instill that very dangerous feeling again, I start to question my sanity. I begin questioning myself.

Did I incite the argument? Did I make matters worse? Am I really making his life miserable? Am I still not over him?..

But now I pull myself together from these thoughts in a snap. It has gotten way better. Unlike during my marriage and during the battle of divorce in the court, I do not emotionally break down. It used to take me weeks to feel positive again. Sometimes a whole week just to make myself believe that I am not wrong.

Now it takes just a minute right after I start questioning myself. I answer it. This guy is a professional manipulator . A pathological liar and a cheat. At really low times in the past I used to read my diary entries from the past, the time he was cheating on me during marriage. I used to go through my old diary logs and read what I had written as to how he used to crush my soul. How he had lied to the whole world and presented me as the crazy woman. How he put labels on me. How he damaged me. While he was having his gala time with another woman, I used to be sulking and blaming myself. Reading the past entries I used to get back to the track. I still do. They serve as a reminder to myself of how far I have come along. For the blessings my God has given me now and always.

I no longer cry or hurt like I used to. I no longer blame myself for every time my ex emotionally attacks me. All thanks to my God for the strength of the prayers I do. For the support of my family and friends. This battle of dealing with an abuser will remain forever in my life as I have a child with him. For the sake of my child. But I have learnt to ignore my ex abuser. Learnt to laugh at his stupid old and repeated accusations. I have but he has not moved on. After all, the peace he took away from me has been restored. And there is a God or a Karma, whatever you want to call it.

I cannot give enough gratitude to my God that he has saved me from this man. Either he would have killed me with the grief he gave me, or I could have ended up as a psychotic miserable soul living with him. Thank God he divorced me. Oh thank my dear Lord.

As much as it is hard for people who suffer from abuse to move on, always remember you will survive. It will take you months maybe years because only you know the intensity behind your abuse. But do not lose hope. The healing maybe a lifelong struggle, but you will be reborn. You will bloom. Get help. Involve your loved ones to hear you out. If not family find a therapist/ counselor. You really are not crazy if you are questioning your sanity. Normal people do not hurt other people. They do not hurt themselves. Be positive and remain strong. You are a warrior and you shall conquer.

 

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My Y.

6 years ago today at exactly 10:57 am he came in this world. The tiny 4lb baby boy. A boy that I had been praying for since I was a teenager. I had always wanted a boy because I wanted to raise a strong leader like the most successful leader in history Umar ibn Al Khattab. So my wish was granted on Feb 7 2013.

We mothers carry dreams but God has his own plans. Never did I know that my little boy would face the life that even an adult would call it a nightmare. So much did my little boy see in the last few years. I did not know that my little boy would face the real life in such an early age.

God gave him a life early on that will make him the leader I want him to become. He will stumble and trip, He will cry and pause, but He will never fail and will never stop. Just like he always has. I know his heart breaks , I know his feelings hurt and I know he is scared and sometimes confused. But he has become to learn from everything around him. His heart is of gold and whoever meets him always have one thing to say about him. “He is very humble and sweet”.

He is my brave boy for whom Allah has set the perfect grounds to rise as a strong man I always wanted him to be. Like Allah wants him to be. He is my Y. He shall survive the storms of his life just like he does now and will be the real man. He will rise just like the Prophet I named him after, who was also hurt by his closest ones. He will be inshallah like Prophet Yousuf bin Yaqoob.

To my brave warrior who sings away his worries, Happy 6th Birthday!

Tiny hearts, big feelings.

I am sitting at the airport lounge waiting for boarding to begin. Dropped off Y. to his dad for his winter break and now heading back to my home in Chicago. This is my first travel alone without anyone next to me. Not even my 5 yr old pandora’s box of “whys”. I miss him so much. It has been almost two years now to his daddy and mommy home turns, but every single time my heart hurts to let him go. He has adjusted better, not that he had any choice to accepting his new life.

His dad married first and now his mommy got a new person in his life. I cannot even imagine what and how many emotional battles children go through when they see their parents divorce and all the new changes of life that come along later. I wish I could once hear the words behind his blank stare for those few seconds every single time when I tell him about a new change in his life.

But just like adults survive our children do too. Just like some adults bloom in adversity, our kids do too. Allah gave us humans the strength to be patient, and gave us a heart that can heal itself. My baby was 3 when separation happened. I remember that day when I had told him. He could not even talk well. I do not know if he understood either. But my heart was crushed and my soul was damaged at that time. And I remember I held his tiny hands and I had said to him “Baba left mommy and home is gone” and I clearly remember his response because I was taken aback. He actually wiped my tears and said “Y. love mommy”. I cried hugging him tight. That was all Y. did to strengthen me.

People say divorce is harder when children are involved. Yes it is, but had it not been for my Y. I would have never been strong. He reminds me that I need to be strong and brave for him.

Just like his mom survives so does he and inshallah we always will because Allah has never abandoned us. We were and will never be alone.

Time to board on the airplane, after all the guardian angel that my Allah has blessed me with in the form of my husband and Y.’s step father awaits me.

Returning to the man who has finally started to make my world colorful again.

Adios.

Scars never go away

Sometimes the pains people give us keep us wounded forever. The wound dries up but scars remain. Everytime you look at your scar in the mirror it affects you. It makes you feel regret, proud, you feel brave and the grief. But scars God gave you as a reminder.

When I look at my scars I cry every single time. And every single time I have to force myself to be positive. Allah gave me those scars for a reason. Time heals the wound but there is a reason that scar remains. For me to thank Allah that I survived. They remind me that as much as it hurt deep I survived it. That how much did I learn from the pain? What wisdom have I learnt? And they remind me not to hurt others the same way. My pain returns as a superficial pain because I see the scar. The scar is the mark of something special that I have endured. And it will hurt me as long as I am alive. And every time I will remind myself that I have seen the worse and still made it. Walking or crippling but I did. And gratitude is never enough. The scars make me thank my Allah more. Because of the things I have learnt and where I stand now are because of the betrayal and abandonment from the person I had once loved the most in this world. Allahumdulillah for the loss because it is my gain.

“The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection” – Thomas Paine