We met atlast

My (ex) cousin walked in with my ex husband, holding my son’s hand.

Finally after 5 years I meet her. The last we met was when she came to stay in my house while I was married to my ex. Where she and my ex started their friendship and later wreck a home.

—-

She sat down with my ex. My husband and I walked to them. We took the initiatives. My husband shook hands with my ex and greeted him. And I walked up to her extended my hand and said “Long time no see” . She shook my hand with a smile and said “Yeah”. I said I was wondering when would I get a chance to see her. And she replied saying “well at-last we met.” And yeah that was exactly how we were supposed to meet.

I met the woman who now is bearing the child of my ex husband, the home wrecker who has everything I once did.

Why did I go up to her, shook hands and met with her? Because I wanted to look into the eyes of the woman who broke a family. Because I wanted to reassure myself something. Her eyes gleamed shamelessly. Her head held up high like she did nothing wrong. And my ex looked like a loser as usual. Both looked to me like shameless creatures proudly living their lives like they did absolutely nothing wrong.

But it was a big relief. Because I wanted to test myself and I passed. This was my milestone. My big achievement. I thanked my God for the things he took away from me. I do not consider it as a loss. God saved me from toxic people and toxic living. He replaced it beautifully.

My husband is no more a man I love. He is my best friend. My companion. He is the example of how a man should be as a husband and a father. And yesterday when I saw my ex and my husband standing infront of me, it was all clear. God showed me how worthy I am of being loved. What true love is.

My life is not perfect. My husband and I struggle a lot with issues relating to everything in life. But we know now that we both have each other and we will not mourn our losses no more. We lost the insignificant things. We have gained treasures now.

I have now officially in my emotional state, moved on.

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Let People Talk.

Past few days I have been thinking about some people who used to have good thoughts about me have changed. Few relationships got sour which is a natural aftermath of a divorce. A divorce ultimately turns dirty when there is a blame game. So I have been thinking lately about my ex in laws, and few mutual friends of my ex husband and me who I am no longer in contact with.

Up until my ex started the divorce case in the court, my ex in laws were supportive of me. They liked me and said good things to me and about me. Until the divorce case ran in the court. That is when my ex got upset at his family for being in contact with me and blaming me of being greedy and sinfully trying to take all of his money as child support and alimony. No matter how much I explained that the money was allotted by the court my ex FIL kept e-mailing me that I was a greedy person and my ex MIL accused me of becoming evil and plotting revenge against her son. Finally, they all turned against me when I refused to let my son travel outside the USA out of fear that my son would be taken away from me, which any mother (a woman who had been brutally betrayed by her trusted ones) would do so. The people who had cursed and shamed the home wrecker, had finally accepted her and made her part of their family. Long story short, I, the woman who had lived with them for 5 years, and whom they came to know was immediately an evil, selfish and a greedy woman. Oh and the one who took their grandson away from them.  How hard hearted must I be?

It bothers me sometimes only. Because I still miss my ex-inlaws. I miss those little children I considered as my own. I miss a family I had come to love over the years. So definitely it hurts to know how I am wrongly looked upon now. Point being there will always be people who will wrongfully accuse you. Throw dirt at you. Label you with cheap names. It shall hurt. I get desperate at times that I should message my MIL once if I could that I am not who she thinks I am. That I have no intention and I have never planned to take her grandson away. For once just message my ex SIL that I miss our wacky jokes and the times we have discussed lame issues. For once if I could clear out all that I am wrongfully accused of. Defend my honesty.

Just like me you will have instances where you want to shout out to the world your true self. Defend your innocence. Fight and prove that you did not do what you are being accused of. But I cannot convince the world. You cannot either. So I pray. I pray hard. That the God who has a time set for everything shall one day bring justice. Whether I see it in my life or not, it shall happen. That one day they will know I was hurt too. I suffered more than anybody in that tragedy.

And my confidence is restored. I know that my silence would speak for me. That the person who is on the right does not beg for respect or dignity. I do not need to prove to them. I did not destroy lives. I will not beat myself up and worry about how to prove my intentions. Respect is earned and not everyone will respect me. Not everyone will like me. I will always have few people who will falsely label me and so will you. Pray hard. Be kind and offer your true self to everyone. Respect and dignity comes from God. And truth always prevails. A time is set. You will know that you are right when you have peace within you. You are content with your life.

Stay Calm and Let People Talk. Give Your best and Let People Talk.

Let People Talk and Hand it to God.

“My Crown is in my heart, not on my head:
Not deck’d with Diamonds, and Indian stones:
Nor to be seen: my Crown is call’d Content,
A Crown it is, that seldom Kings enjoy.”
William Shakespeare, King Henry VI, Part 3

The future of the abuse

Sometimes when you think you are there now, you really did not reach there yet. When you really think you can still outsmart your abuser but you cannot. Or so you believe..

My ex still comes to my life and rocks my sanity. And my few shaky seconds come alive again. This is still happening.

Even after divorce, I have to deal with the man who continues to try making my life miserable because of the dealings I have to do with him regarding my son. Every single time my old self returns and I feel helpless about what I wouldn’t do to knock sense into that loser. But this time it is regarding my son.  And every single time he starts to instill that very dangerous feeling again, I start to question my sanity. I begin questioning myself.

Did I incite the argument? Did I make matters worse? Am I really making his life miserable? Am I still not over him?..

But now I pull myself together from these thoughts in a snap. It has gotten way better. Unlike during my marriage and during the battle of divorce in the court, I do not emotionally break down. It used to take me weeks to feel positive again. Sometimes a whole week just to make myself believe that I am not wrong.

Now it takes just a minute right after I start questioning myself. I answer it. This guy is a professional manipulator . A pathological liar and a cheat. At really low times in the past I used to read my diary entries from the past, the time he was cheating on me during marriage. I used to go through my old diary logs and read what I had written as to how he used to crush my soul. How he had lied to the whole world and presented me as the crazy woman. How he put labels on me. How he damaged me. While he was having his gala time with another woman, I used to be sulking and blaming myself. Reading the past entries I used to get back to the track. I still do. They serve as a reminder to myself of how far I have come along. For the blessings my God has given me now and always.

I no longer cry or hurt like I used to. I no longer blame myself for every time my ex emotionally attacks me. All thanks to my God for the strength of the prayers I do. For the support of my family and friends. This battle of dealing with an abuser will remain forever in my life as I have a child with him. For the sake of my child. But I have learnt to ignore my ex abuser. Learnt to laugh at his stupid old and repeated accusations. I have but he has not moved on. After all, the peace he took away from me has been restored. And there is a God or a Karma, whatever you want to call it.

I cannot give enough gratitude to my God that he has saved me from this man. Either he would have killed me with the grief he gave me, or I could have ended up as a psychotic miserable soul living with him. Thank God he divorced me. Oh thank my dear Lord.

As much as it is hard for people who suffer from abuse to move on, always remember you will survive. It will take you months maybe years because only you know the intensity behind your abuse. But do not lose hope. The healing maybe a lifelong struggle, but you will be reborn. You will bloom. Get help. Involve your loved ones to hear you out. If not family find a therapist/ counselor. You really are not crazy if you are questioning your sanity. Normal people do not hurt other people. They do not hurt themselves. Be positive and remain strong. You are a warrior and you shall conquer.

 

Tiny hearts, big feelings.

I am sitting at the airport lounge waiting for boarding to begin. Dropped off Y. to his dad for his winter break and now heading back to my home in Chicago. This is my first travel alone without anyone next to me. Not even my 5 yr old pandora’s box of “whys”. I miss him so much. It has been almost two years now to his daddy and mommy home turns, but every single time my heart hurts to let him go. He has adjusted better, not that he had any choice to accepting his new life.

His dad married first and now his mommy got a new person in his life. I cannot even imagine what and how many emotional battles children go through when they see their parents divorce and all the new changes of life that come along later. I wish I could once hear the words behind his blank stare for those few seconds every single time when I tell him about a new change in his life.

But just like adults survive our children do too. Just like some adults bloom in adversity, our kids do too. Allah gave us humans the strength to be patient, and gave us a heart that can heal itself. My baby was 3 when separation happened. I remember that day when I had told him. He could not even talk well. I do not know if he understood either. But my heart was crushed and my soul was damaged at that time. And I remember I held his tiny hands and I had said to him “Baba left mommy and home is gone” and I clearly remember his response because I was taken aback. He actually wiped my tears and said “Y. love mommy”. I cried hugging him tight. That was all Y. did to strengthen me.

People say divorce is harder when children are involved. Yes it is, but had it not been for my Y. I would have never been strong. He reminds me that I need to be strong and brave for him.

Just like his mom survives so does he and inshallah we always will because Allah has never abandoned us. We were and will never be alone.

Time to board on the airplane, after all the guardian angel that my Allah has blessed me with in the form of my husband and Y.’s step father awaits me.

Returning to the man who has finally started to make my world colorful again.

Adios.

My story.

My story. 

So she is finally here. Finally everything they ever dreamt of has come true. Her dream has come true. To become the bride of my ex husband. She entered as the bride in the home where I entered as his first wife and his love. Or so I had falsely believed. But here after 7 years of my wedding, he brought in his second wife, the woman I grew up with, my friend and now ex cousin, her. 

3 years into our marriage and he had already proved to be a narcissist selfish man to whom I was a robot serving his every command. Never once did I feel pressured because I was madly in love with him. I thought he was the most handsome, ambitious and fun loving adventurous guy. But I failed to see all of these characteristics because he never shared with me. He was handsome yet he was proud that every girl liked him. He was ambitious because he loved making money and spending it only on himself. He was fun and adventurous because he loved his sports and never took me to a single vacation except visiting his family in Saudi in our 5 years of marriage.

I cooked the food he liked, I dressed up the way he liked. I made sure house was clean, I was always presentable to him. I thought if I gave him the perfect home and became the perfect wife he will never ever lay eyes on another woman. Oh how wrong I was. In my own little fantasy world I was his true love. I never knew I was being abused and ignored. 

Until finally I started to feel his negligence where he started to devalue my physical looks, the food I made, the flaws in my personality and then physically and emotionally abandoning me of my spousal rights.

And then the trust came crashing down when I read those e-mails. Their love emails. That affair. Which blamed it on me. That because I was strict about them not being in touch I intrigued them to get closer. That because I accused her, she was defamed and now he had to restore her dignity.

2014 was when it all began, when she visited me at my home for a week. And by 2015, I got aware of their affair and he openly started saying he will marry her. I lost my sanity. My heart that mind that lived in the fantasy that he will never ever wrong me or leave me was shattered in a mere 3 seconds of reading their e-mails. He called her with all those cheesy names he had once called me. “lioness” “I love you”. They were mine. Those words were mine. Now they were hers. She took everything away in a matter of few years.

In 2016, he finally asked me to leave with our innocent son Y. Who was at that time 3 years old. I begged him that Y. will suffer without him. That he loves his baba so much. Just for once leave her for our family’s sake and I will do everything in my power to make us happy and complete. But nothing was heard. He served me with divorce papers few weeks before my sister, S. got married. My parents broke. And most of all I was shattered like tiny pieces of glass.

I felt dead. I handled Y.’s pain and mine. My sajdahs (prostrations to God) were the only thing that comforted me. And in each Sajdah I thought I would die. I had written my will of Y. should be given to S. after my death. In every sajdah I cried and felt like the heart would rip out of my chest and breathing used to stop. It hurt like it has never hurt before. I wished for death so this sharp pain could go away. I was tired emotionally, physically, financially I was broke. And then I used to look at my son sleeping next to the place I prayed. And then dua would change to “No God let me live for Y., he will have no one”

By 2018, I had come a long way. I changed in personality. Good and bad both. I have become resilient but assertive sometimes really rude. I cannot take lies. I cannot take people pushing me or ordering me around. I have learnt not to worship anyone except Allah (God). That I am still weak and vulnerable like a glass, but my strength and support is mountain solid from Allah. I pray for angels to defend me and Gods mercy to shield me and Y.

Miracles have happened and I still live amidst of the strongest betrayals and lies. The biggest miracle is Yas. God sent him when the news of their marriage date being set came to me. God gave me Yas.

Just when they got married, my wedding date was set. Y. and I have been given a hope again. I always wanted a sibling for Y. and we got a beautiful 2 year old Baby-J from Yas. We finally have a new life to look forward to. Not a perfect happily ever after. But a new family life with it’s ups and downs. A new hope of someone loving Y. and me as a husband and a father like we deserved. 

With them now married, my emotional struggles have begun in a new way. Now the fear dawns of her taking away my Yousuf from me. My last possession left for her to own. And his last attempt to make sure my new companion sees me as a mentally sick, selfish and misbehaved woman. 

My Sajdahs were never stopped since I read those e-mails. And they never will. God has brought me forward. I have an amazing family support but only I am the one who can make my pains go away. Only I can change my perspectives on life.

This I wrote to remind myself. Sana if you can live through that, and if God helped you through all this, remember God will never ever abandon you and your son. And whatever does happen that hurts you, God will,  like always show you, it all happened for the best. You are a lone fighter, but you have the army of God’s trust behind you. You did not destroy a family. You did not cheat. You are not characterless or a home wrecker. You are a mother under whose feet lies Jannah(paradise) of Yousuf. You are the servant of God and nobody else. And you will succeed. And to Day of Judgement you put your believe in, where every justice shall be served. This world is of mere years. 

You will be the wife of Yas. And you both will make this world’s struggles worth the pain, when you enter Heaven holding hands, together as one.

To my future,

-Myself.