We met atlast

My (ex) cousin walked in with my ex husband, holding my son’s hand.

Finally after 5 years I meet her. The last we met was when she came to stay in my house while I was married to my ex. Where she and my ex started their friendship and later wreck a home.

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She sat down with my ex. My husband and I walked to them. We took the initiatives. My husband shook hands with my ex and greeted him. And I walked up to her extended my hand and said “Long time no see” . She shook my hand with a smile and said “Yeah”. I said I was wondering when would I get a chance to see her. And she replied saying “well at-last we met.” And yeah that was exactly how we were supposed to meet.

I met the woman who now is bearing the child of my ex husband, the home wrecker who has everything I once did.

Why did I go up to her, shook hands and met with her? Because I wanted to look into the eyes of the woman who broke a family. Because I wanted to reassure myself something. Her eyes gleamed shamelessly. Her head held up high like she did nothing wrong. And my ex looked like a loser as usual. Both looked to me like shameless creatures proudly living their lives like they did absolutely nothing wrong.

But it was a big relief. Because I wanted to test myself and I passed. This was my milestone. My big achievement. I thanked my God for the things he took away from me. I do not consider it as a loss. God saved me from toxic people and toxic living. He replaced it beautifully.

My husband is no more a man I love. He is my best friend. My companion. He is the example of how a man should be as a husband and a father. And yesterday when I saw my ex and my husband standing infront of me, it was all clear. God showed me how worthy I am of being loved. What true love is.

My life is not perfect. My husband and I struggle a lot with issues relating to everything in life. But we know now that we both have each other and we will not mourn our losses no more. We lost the insignificant things. We have gained treasures now.

I have now officially in my emotional state, moved on.

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Get help like a brave person.

“The burden is so heavy. I want to come out and scream my heart out. I want to yell out ‘please try to understand’. My past still haunts me. My pain resurfaces repeatedly. I wish you understood what I am going through. Nothing is helping. I need someone to tell me what to do. Please. But none of you. Because even though you all love me you do not understand my feelings. I need a therapist or a counselor, a third outside person”

“You have so many things to be grateful for. Maybe your getting weak in faith. Recite more prayers. Go out more. Talk to us all. You do not need a therapist. You are not crazy. You just need to fix your perception and be happy. You just need to forget your past. Let it go. Sick people go to therapy. Crazy people take meds and psychological help. And worst other people will think you are mentally ill”

Above is a common conversation between a person who needs help and the common replies of the stigma and society’s view of therapy. A woman especially is not encouraged to seek professional help if she is suffering from domestic violence whether it is physical or emotional abuse. She in our distorted Desi (India, Pakistan, Bangladesh) culture is always told to be patient. She has to survive for the sake of her kids. Or who will pay for her and her kids food and shelter if she gets divorced? She is told that the more patient she is and saves a home she will be granted Heavens and things will get better in the future. But the future doesn’t come until she gets wrinkled and dies out of stress and depression. Children of abusive relationships turn out emotionally unstable. Its a huge mess.

Say even if a woman just needs a third person to help her go through the normal stresses of her life because she has too much going on, she will be looked down upon as someone who is weak and plotting revenges and planning breaking up of families. And trying to defame her family or her husband and in-laws.

A man who needs help will be labelled as weak and “not a man” if he is emotionally weak. So many men break after their loved ones pass away, or because of betrayals by family members. The Prophet Mohammad PBUH took advices and found help when he was emotionally weak too. Prayers and faith are the foundation of your strength but God made other human beings for resources too.

A man does not bring sustenance to a woman. God made him the source. A woman and man are equal in the eyes of God. The stigma behind conditions like physical and mental abuse, mental illnesses need to be eradicated.

Seek help. You can do it secretly but you must if you need it. It will help you a long way. I did. I still do. I would have been a havoc had my family not encouraged me to seek professional help. I suffered and survived emotional abuse and brutal betrayal. I am still a work in progress. And I wish no woman or man goes through what I did. But if you need it. Please find professional help. It is not a shame upon you.

You are brave and God will provide for you. We rely only on God and we shall fight against our weaknesses and become strong and happier.

Let People Talk.

Past few days I have been thinking about some people who used to have good thoughts about me have changed. Few relationships got sour which is a natural aftermath of a divorce. A divorce ultimately turns dirty when there is a blame game. So I have been thinking lately about my ex in laws, and few mutual friends of my ex husband and me who I am no longer in contact with.

Up until my ex started the divorce case in the court, my ex in laws were supportive of me. They liked me and said good things to me and about me. Until the divorce case ran in the court. That is when my ex got upset at his family for being in contact with me and blaming me of being greedy and sinfully trying to take all of his money as child support and alimony. No matter how much I explained that the money was allotted by the court my ex FIL kept e-mailing me that I was a greedy person and my ex MIL accused me of becoming evil and plotting revenge against her son. Finally, they all turned against me when I refused to let my son travel outside the USA out of fear that my son would be taken away from me, which any mother (a woman who had been brutally betrayed by her trusted ones) would do so. The people who had cursed and shamed the home wrecker, had finally accepted her and made her part of their family. Long story short, I, the woman who had lived with them for 5 years, and whom they came to know was immediately an evil, selfish and a greedy woman. Oh and the one who took their grandson away from them.  How hard hearted must I be?

It bothers me sometimes only. Because I still miss my ex-inlaws. I miss those little children I considered as my own. I miss a family I had come to love over the years. So definitely it hurts to know how I am wrongly looked upon now. Point being there will always be people who will wrongfully accuse you. Throw dirt at you. Label you with cheap names. It shall hurt. I get desperate at times that I should message my MIL once if I could that I am not who she thinks I am. That I have no intention and I have never planned to take her grandson away. For once just message my ex SIL that I miss our wacky jokes and the times we have discussed lame issues. For once if I could clear out all that I am wrongfully accused of. Defend my honesty.

Just like me you will have instances where you want to shout out to the world your true self. Defend your innocence. Fight and prove that you did not do what you are being accused of. But I cannot convince the world. You cannot either. So I pray. I pray hard. That the God who has a time set for everything shall one day bring justice. Whether I see it in my life or not, it shall happen. That one day they will know I was hurt too. I suffered more than anybody in that tragedy.

And my confidence is restored. I know that my silence would speak for me. That the person who is on the right does not beg for respect or dignity. I do not need to prove to them. I did not destroy lives. I will not beat myself up and worry about how to prove my intentions. Respect is earned and not everyone will respect me. Not everyone will like me. I will always have few people who will falsely label me and so will you. Pray hard. Be kind and offer your true self to everyone. Respect and dignity comes from God. And truth always prevails. A time is set. You will know that you are right when you have peace within you. You are content with your life.

Stay Calm and Let People Talk. Give Your best and Let People Talk.

Let People Talk and Hand it to God.

“My Crown is in my heart, not on my head:
Not deck’d with Diamonds, and Indian stones:
Nor to be seen: my Crown is call’d Content,
A Crown it is, that seldom Kings enjoy.”
William Shakespeare, King Henry VI, Part 3

“Face your fears”, he had said.

How many times have we thought? And thought? And thought so much about what would happen if our fear(s) came true?

How much have we thought and drained ourselves emotionally? How much have we weighed ourselves down with our fears?

I still remember when I used to shake with fear whenever my ex talked about his second marriage to me while we were married. I used to beg him like a child to not mention it as it scares me. And he used to calmly say, “Face your fears, you are a strong woman”.

I realized it much later that he turned me into a strong woman. He forced my fears upon me and forced me to face them. He tore me and I patched myself up later.

It’s okay to worry. It’s okay to be scared. And to be honest once those fears come true you feel like a warrior after fighting it. But the fight is frightening. Our fears crush us when they happen. But most of the times I have experienced that they were not as horrific as I had thought.

My faith is what keeps me going. It is my only weapon to fight with. My prayers and my faith in my God is what has helped me fight myself when I overthink. My faith speaks to me when my mind is thundering loud with my fears. My faith is my sakina (peace).

I am learning that no matter how much I worry, things will happen. But when I over stress I get weak emotionally. I become a burden on myself and others. I am learning that majority of the times things do not end up that bad. And even if they do time helps you adjust. Time indeed is the best healer.

Find your strength. Your driving force. For me it is my faith. My faith that my God has always blessed me even when I was breaking. He has always helped me and provided for me. He took care of me. He has been my supporter. He created sources for me from places I could have never thought of.

My Allah has never failed me. Never. I am forever yours my Rabb (God). You are my biggest comfort.

Tiny hearts, big feelings.

I am sitting at the airport lounge waiting for boarding to begin. Dropped off Y. to his dad for his winter break and now heading back to my home in Chicago. This is my first travel alone without anyone next to me. Not even my 5 yr old pandora’s box of “whys”. I miss him so much. It has been almost two years now to his daddy and mommy home turns, but every single time my heart hurts to let him go. He has adjusted better, not that he had any choice to accepting his new life.

His dad married first and now his mommy got a new person in his life. I cannot even imagine what and how many emotional battles children go through when they see their parents divorce and all the new changes of life that come along later. I wish I could once hear the words behind his blank stare for those few seconds every single time when I tell him about a new change in his life.

But just like adults survive our children do too. Just like some adults bloom in adversity, our kids do too. Allah gave us humans the strength to be patient, and gave us a heart that can heal itself. My baby was 3 when separation happened. I remember that day when I had told him. He could not even talk well. I do not know if he understood either. But my heart was crushed and my soul was damaged at that time. And I remember I held his tiny hands and I had said to him “Baba left mommy and home is gone” and I clearly remember his response because I was taken aback. He actually wiped my tears and said “Y. love mommy”. I cried hugging him tight. That was all Y. did to strengthen me.

People say divorce is harder when children are involved. Yes it is, but had it not been for my Y. I would have never been strong. He reminds me that I need to be strong and brave for him.

Just like his mom survives so does he and inshallah we always will because Allah has never abandoned us. We were and will never be alone.

Time to board on the airplane, after all the guardian angel that my Allah has blessed me with in the form of my husband and Y.’s step father awaits me.

Returning to the man who has finally started to make my world colorful again.

Adios.

Scars never go away

Sometimes the pains people give us keep us wounded forever. The wound dries up but scars remain. Everytime you look at your scar in the mirror it affects you. It makes you feel regret, proud, you feel brave and the grief. But scars God gave you as a reminder.

When I look at my scars I cry every single time. And every single time I have to force myself to be positive. Allah gave me those scars for a reason. Time heals the wound but there is a reason that scar remains. For me to thank Allah that I survived. They remind me that as much as it hurt deep I survived it. That how much did I learn from the pain? What wisdom have I learnt? And they remind me not to hurt others the same way. My pain returns as a superficial pain because I see the scar. The scar is the mark of something special that I have endured. And it will hurt me as long as I am alive. And every time I will remind myself that I have seen the worse and still made it. Walking or crippling but I did. And gratitude is never enough. The scars make me thank my Allah more. Because of the things I have learnt and where I stand now are because of the betrayal and abandonment from the person I had once loved the most in this world. Allahumdulillah for the loss because it is my gain.

“The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection” – Thomas Paine 

Our family.

 Life is so busy. Especially for a full time single parent. Because you have to deal with an ex too. Sigh.

I am blessed to have my parents. As adults even though we make our own decisions we still need our parents. Every family has its own dynamics. But none the less it is a blessing. When I return home from all day’s of work, all I do is as soon as I enter the home is ask my mother what’s for dinner. Nothing fancy she says. But that is enough. I am a mother but I need my mother. And sometimes I need her as if I am still her school going kid. I fight and argue with her. But she is still my comfort zone. My sister even though married living miles away is my life’s secret diary. The only mortal who has seen and heard the darkest secrets of my life. She is the one who has caught me crying in a dark room and has comforted me without any words, but just a hug. She is my bff. My father is a comfort to me in his own way. The way he pampers my son and loves him, he has filled the void of my son’s own father. My cousins, my uncle and my aunt their presence and their support is what keeps me going every day. When I speak to relatives from back home, their words of love and reassurance feels amazing.

Belonging from a sub Asian continent, where usually parents worry about their daughter if she is divorced, my family has been my greatest strength. They have been my critic and my motivator. If it wasn’t for them I would not reflect on my short comings  nor would be able to survive alone.

Family and friends is the blessing that we tend to not consider as important factors in our life. Parents especially are the most sincere people in our life that we can ever have. Difference in opinion,  life decisions, friction in arguments, joys, successes and losses this is a part of every relationship. It is us who choose how to feel. To appreciate the people  who have been there for us when we needed them.

No family is perfect. Not one person on this earth is. I am not perfect. But we have to work through situations with everyone’s help. We need to be patient and forgiving. Because family is part of Allah’s mercy. And mercy should be a part of us.

To our families, especially to our parents who gave it all, let us be kind, understanding and forgiving.

“Limitless is your Lord in His mercy…” Qur’an 6:147