Sometimes when you think you are there now, you really did not reach there yet. When you really think you can still outsmart your abuser but you cannot. Or so you believe..
My ex still comes to my life and rocks my sanity. And my few shaky seconds come alive again. This is still happening.
Even after divorce, I have to deal with the man who continues to try making my life miserable because of the dealings I have to do with him regarding my son. Every single time my old self returns and I feel helpless about what I wouldn’t do to knock sense into that loser. But this time it is regarding my son. And every single time he starts to instill that very dangerous feeling again, I start to question my sanity. I begin questioning myself.
Did I incite the argument? Did I make matters worse? Am I really making his life miserable? Am I still not over him?..
But now I pull myself together from these thoughts in a snap. It has gotten way better. Unlike during my marriage and during the battle of divorce in the court, I do not emotionally break down. It used to take me weeks to feel positive again. Sometimes a whole week just to make myself believe that I am not wrong.
Now it takes just a minute right after I start questioning myself. I answer it. This guy is a professional manipulator . A pathological liar and a cheat. At really low times in the past I used to read my diary entries from the past, the time he was cheating on me during marriage. I used to go through my old diary logs and read what I had written as to how he used to crush my soul. How he had lied to the whole world and presented me as the crazy woman. How he put labels on me. How he damaged me. While he was having his gala time with another woman, I used to be sulking and blaming myself. Reading the past entries I used to get back to the track. I still do. They serve as a reminder to myself of how far I have come along. For the blessings my God has given me now and always.
I no longer cry or hurt like I used to. I no longer blame myself for every time my ex emotionally attacks me. All thanks to my God for the strength of the prayers I do. For the support of my family and friends. This battle of dealing with an abuser will remain forever in my life as I have a child with him. For the sake of my child. But I have learnt to ignore my ex abuser. Learnt to laugh at his stupid old and repeated accusations. I have but he has not moved on. After all, the peace he took away from me has been restored. And there is a God or a Karma, whatever you want to call it.
I cannot give enough gratitude to my God that he has saved me from this man. Either he would have killed me with the grief he gave me, or I could have ended up as a psychotic miserable soul living with him. Thank God he divorced me. Oh thank my dear Lord.
As much as it is hard for people who suffer from abuse to move on, always remember you will survive. It will take you months maybe years because only you know the intensity behind your abuse. But do not lose hope. The healing maybe a lifelong struggle, but you will be reborn. You will bloom. Get help. Involve your loved ones to hear you out. If not family find a therapist/ counselor. You really are not crazy if you are questioning your sanity. Normal people do not hurt other people. They do not hurt themselves. Be positive and remain strong. You are a warrior and you shall conquer.