Let me fail, again.

“Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire.”- Oprah Winfrey

My son, Yousuf returned from his dad’s home after visiting him for a week.

I finally saw the face of the woman who my ex-husband cheated with. On the video call that Yousuf did with his father. The face of my (ex) cousin sister since 2014. She talked to my son. I watched and heard while cleaning up his crayons.

I patiently took it all in. For now. Little does Yousuf know the truth. Yet.

All the memories flashed back. At bedtime, Yousuf asked me “Mommy why did you leave NJ home?” (He calls his dad’s home New Jersey home). And I thought for a minute what to answer him. How can I tell him that your step mom and father took me out of the picture to make way for their new home? He is only 5. So I just replied “because baba and her wanted mommy to go to Baltimore”. He asked “Why?” “Because baba wanted R. ((my cousin)) to live with him and Yousuf” . And few seconds later he switched the topic back to his cars.

I don’t know if I answered my son correctly. I don’t know if I am raising him right. I am a single parent for now. I am the parent he says “I will trash you mommy” when I set rules for screen time. I am the parent who is dealing with her emotional struggles as well as his. I am not a perfect mom. Nobody is. But I am trying my best. I asked his therapist today “Do you think I am strict with Yousuf? Where should I improve?” And she smiled and said “Continue doing what you are doing” . I am still unsatisfied with her answer. But this is what every single mother goes through. Every mother who is not single, but is fighting her own battles. All the beautiful mothers of this planet.

I make mistakes. I will make mistakes. I regret a lot of my actions. I disappoint myself as an individual and a mother several times a day. But I learn. I must learn. I must ask for advice from professionals and family and friends. And then think over everything and begin a new day with implementing changes. Sometimes just take a break. Do nothing. This too shall pass.

Every day is a challenge. Not every bad day is a guarantee of bad life. Not every loss is a loss. Not every failure is a regret. Believe in yourself. You will fall. But you will rise. You need to be brave enough to ask for help and accept your mistakes.

We are no wonder women. We are just human beings with a super power called “Self Believe”. I do however, would love to have flying as a super power. That’d be really cool. xD

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Published by

SanY

I start this blog as I enter a new chapter of my life. An inspiration to those who are struggling and a reminder to me of my past and hope for my future.

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