So she is finally here. Finally everything they ever dreamt of has come true. Her dream has come true. To become the bride of my ex husband. She entered as the bride in the home where I entered as his first wife and his love. Or so I had falsely believed. But here after 7 years of my wedding, he brought in his second wife, the woman I grew up with, my friend and now ex cousin, her.
3 years into our marriage and he had already proved to be a narcissist selfish man to whom I was a robot serving his every command. Never once did I feel pressured because I was madly in love with him. I thought he was the most handsome, ambitious and fun loving adventurous guy. But I failed to see all of these characteristics because he never shared with me. He was handsome yet he was proud that every girl liked him. He was ambitious because he loved making money and spending it only on himself. He was fun and adventurous because he loved his sports and never took me to a single vacation except visiting his family in Saudi in our 5 years of marriage.
I cooked the food he liked, I dressed up the way he liked. I made sure house was clean, I was always presentable to him. I thought if I gave him the perfect home and became the perfect wife he will never ever lay eyes on another woman. Oh how wrong I was. In my own little fantasy world I was his true love. I never knew I was being abused and ignored.
Until finally I started to feel his negligence where he started to devalue my physical looks, the food I made, the flaws in my personality and then physically and emotionally abandoning me of my spousal rights.
And then the trust came crashing down when I read those e-mails. Their love emails. That affair. Which blamed it on me. That because I was strict about them not being in touch I intrigued them to get closer. That because I accused her, she was defamed and now he had to restore her dignity.
2014 was when it all began, when she visited me at my home for a week. And by 2015, I got aware of their affair and he openly started saying he will marry her. I lost my sanity. My heart that mind that lived in the fantasy that he will never ever wrong me or leave me was shattered in a mere 3 seconds of reading their e-mails. He called her with all those cheesy names he had once called me. “lioness” “I love you”. They were mine. Those words were mine. Now they were hers. She took everything away in a matter of few years.
In 2016, he finally asked me to leave with our innocent son Y. Who was at that time 3 years old. I begged him that Y. will suffer without him. That he loves his baba so much. Just for once leave her for our family’s sake and I will do everything in my power to make us happy and complete. But nothing was heard. He served me with divorce papers few weeks before my sister, S. got married. My parents broke. And most of all I was shattered like tiny pieces of glass.
I felt dead. I handled Y.’s pain and mine. My sajdahs (prostrations to God) were the only thing that comforted me. And in each Sajdah I thought I would die. I had written my will of Y. should be given to S. after my death. In every sajdah I cried and felt like the heart would rip out of my chest and breathing used to stop. It hurt like it has never hurt before. I wished for death so this sharp pain could go away. I was tired emotionally, physically, financially I was broke. And then I used to look at my son sleeping next to the place I prayed. And then dua would change to “No God let me live for Y., he will have no one”
By 2018, I had come a long way. I changed in personality. Good and bad both. I have become resilient but assertive sometimes really rude. I cannot take lies. I cannot take people pushing me or ordering me around. I have learnt not to worship anyone except Allah (God). That I am still weak and vulnerable like a glass, but my strength and support is mountain solid from Allah. I pray for angels to defend me and Gods mercy to shield me and Y.
Miracles have happened and I still live amidst of the strongest betrayals and lies. The biggest miracle is Yas. God sent him when the news of their marriage date being set came to me. God gave me Yas.
Just when they got married, my wedding date was set. Y. and I have been given a hope again. I always wanted a sibling for Y. and we got a beautiful 2 year old Baby-J from Yas. We finally have a new life to look forward to. Not a perfect happily ever after. But a new family life with it’s ups and downs. A new hope of someone loving Y. and me as a husband and a father like we deserved.
With them now married, my emotional struggles have begun in a new way. Now the fear dawns of her taking away my Yousuf from me. My last possession left for her to own. And his last attempt to make sure my new companion sees me as a mentally sick, selfish and misbehaved woman.
My Sajdahs were never stopped since I read those e-mails. And they never will. God has brought me forward. I have an amazing family support but only I am the one who can make my pains go away. Only I can change my perspectives on life.
This I wrote to remind myself. Sana if you can live through that, and if God helped you through all this, remember God will never ever abandon you and your son. And whatever does happen that hurts you, God will, like always show you, it all happened for the best. You are a lone fighter, but you have the army of God’s trust behind you. You did not destroy a family. You did not cheat. You are not characterless or a home wrecker. You are a mother under whose feet lies Jannah(paradise) of Yousuf. You are the servant of God and nobody else. And you will succeed. And to Day of Judgement you put your believe in, where every justice shall be served. This world is of mere years.
You will be the wife of Yas. And you both will make this world’s struggles worth the pain, when you enter Heaven holding hands, together as one.
To my future,